I'm just going to go ahead and get real here. This has been one of the hardest weeks of my life. I flew back in expecting to start school 36 hours after landing. But the government made a "last minute" change to the school schedule, which ended up giving us the week off. I have absolutely no idea how I would have started teaching 36 hours after landing, with my heart torn apart and still jet lagged, so I truly believe that every teacher in the country received that gift because God loves me!
It gave me a few days to get curriculum orders processed, which is big this year as we've had a sudden influx of students and are starting the year at an all-time high. I was able to map out my literature, grammar, and writing goals and timeline for the year for my classes (remember I'm taking on 3 new high school courses this year...credited courses, so I've got to put on my big girl pants and make sure those kids are earning their credit!)
But all the while that this is going on, I sank into, I think, one of the saddest times of my life. I've had to say goodbye before. I've also had a "thorn in the flesh" issue in my life for a long time. So, I've been sad. But this was different. I have a friend here who is in a horrific situation involving her child. Basically, she was awarded custody, but because of diplomatic immunity and unethical practices, she does not have him. She is here, waiting day after day, to get her boy back. We pray for her daily and support her, but what can you say to a situation like that? It's just terrible. And so when she passed me in the hall, she hugged me and said, "How are you?" I said, "It's hard." She said, "It's separation from your baby, Sara." Bingo. Her separation is wrong. Mine is right. But that statement put one puzzle piece together in my brain. It's just going to be sad.
So, as I said, I felt like I was sinking. I'm an optimist. I'm a go-getter. (Why else would I have survived 20 years overseas?) Why couldn't I snap out of this? And then the other puzzle piece was put into place. And it didn't fix anything, but for some reason being able to piece the two together has helped. Here it is. In a minute. (!)
This summer has been a series of "notes from God." The first one came in the form of a horrible accident that happened at the beach. Right in front of our hotel, a retirement-age, woman, pedestrian from Tennessee (vacationing) was hit by a car (driver had been drinking). She was at a cross walk. This happened while we were having dinner. When we walked back to our hotel, she was already covered. We didn't even know where to cross, so we asked a police officer what we should do, and he walked us across. Firstborn and I were shaken up, and said to each other, "What if that had been one of us?" She said, "If that had been you, I wouldn't be starting college." I said, "If that had been you, I wouldn't be going back to Turkey." I kept thinking of her family, her children. Their sudden loss.
And then, another note from God came in the form of my sweet friend Leyla. She is a Turkish woman, my age, who cleans my classroom. We have conversation, and when I lost weight, I gave her all my hand-me-downs, so we became friends. This summer, her 20-year-old son, set to fly to Europe and begin his university work, was driving, hit a street cleaning truck, and was killed instantly. She only got a phone call to come to the hospital. When she got there, they took her to the morgue. I went to find her as soon as I got back and threw my arms around her and just sobbed. Can you imagine? Can you even imagine? She told me the next day that after we talked and cried, she had a tiny bit of peace in her heart for the first time since it happened a month ago.
So, what are these "notes from God" teaching me? Two groups of people experiencing extreme, unmeasurable sorrow. And God has placed me in a unique position right now to understand "a mother's heart" on a level I have not before. I can minister. I can love. I can listen. I can understand a tiny bit more, but not fully. I can share coffee and tears when my turn at this is over, and someone else's is beginning. And of course, the reminder that "Life is short. Live it for the Lord." is obvious.
And so, the other puzzle piece? In my sadness this past week, the Lord brought to mind this: This is a new sacrifice I have not yet had to make. That's it. I guess I thought the sacrifices were over. Learning to live in a culture where you don't always know what's being said? Got that. Not being able to shop at Walmart and get the things you need easily? That's been over a long time. Missing football and Fall and Thanksgiving? Hard, but have been doing that awhile. Goodbyes at the airport, knowing you won't see them for a year? Still hard, but manageable. Saying goodbye to friends who leave here when I stay? Hmmm. That's still hard, but I'm working through it. But this? Not having each member of my family here with me? That's totally new. And it's hard. And it's ok to admit that. I do NOT want her here. I want her there. But it's hard for us to be here. And I guess after 20 years of serving overseas, I feel like it's ok for me to say that.
So I put those two things together: "It's separation from your baby, Sara. It's a new sacrifice you haven't yet had to offer." And putting some words to what is going on in my heart has helped me somewhat. I feel like the sun is starting to rise, ever so slightly. I feel better today than I did a week ago.
I told her I will take a text or a picture of her and what she's wearing 24 hours a day/7 days a week. She sent me these the first week. I had asked her as I boarded my flight in Houston, "What's one thing I can pray for you?" and she said, "Pray I don't die in this heat!" ha ha ha. She's been super happy for the cooler weather that has allowed her to wear her long sleeves. She's going to miss our cold weather.
It gave me a few days to get curriculum orders processed, which is big this year as we've had a sudden influx of students and are starting the year at an all-time high. I was able to map out my literature, grammar, and writing goals and timeline for the year for my classes (remember I'm taking on 3 new high school courses this year...credited courses, so I've got to put on my big girl pants and make sure those kids are earning their credit!)
But all the while that this is going on, I sank into, I think, one of the saddest times of my life. I've had to say goodbye before. I've also had a "thorn in the flesh" issue in my life for a long time. So, I've been sad. But this was different. I have a friend here who is in a horrific situation involving her child. Basically, she was awarded custody, but because of diplomatic immunity and unethical practices, she does not have him. She is here, waiting day after day, to get her boy back. We pray for her daily and support her, but what can you say to a situation like that? It's just terrible. And so when she passed me in the hall, she hugged me and said, "How are you?" I said, "It's hard." She said, "It's separation from your baby, Sara." Bingo. Her separation is wrong. Mine is right. But that statement put one puzzle piece together in my brain. It's just going to be sad.
So, as I said, I felt like I was sinking. I'm an optimist. I'm a go-getter. (Why else would I have survived 20 years overseas?) Why couldn't I snap out of this? And then the other puzzle piece was put into place. And it didn't fix anything, but for some reason being able to piece the two together has helped. Here it is. In a minute. (!)
This summer has been a series of "notes from God." The first one came in the form of a horrible accident that happened at the beach. Right in front of our hotel, a retirement-age, woman, pedestrian from Tennessee (vacationing) was hit by a car (driver had been drinking). She was at a cross walk. This happened while we were having dinner. When we walked back to our hotel, she was already covered. We didn't even know where to cross, so we asked a police officer what we should do, and he walked us across. Firstborn and I were shaken up, and said to each other, "What if that had been one of us?" She said, "If that had been you, I wouldn't be starting college." I said, "If that had been you, I wouldn't be going back to Turkey." I kept thinking of her family, her children. Their sudden loss.
And then, another note from God came in the form of my sweet friend Leyla. She is a Turkish woman, my age, who cleans my classroom. We have conversation, and when I lost weight, I gave her all my hand-me-downs, so we became friends. This summer, her 20-year-old son, set to fly to Europe and begin his university work, was driving, hit a street cleaning truck, and was killed instantly. She only got a phone call to come to the hospital. When she got there, they took her to the morgue. I went to find her as soon as I got back and threw my arms around her and just sobbed. Can you imagine? Can you even imagine? She told me the next day that after we talked and cried, she had a tiny bit of peace in her heart for the first time since it happened a month ago.
So, what are these "notes from God" teaching me? Two groups of people experiencing extreme, unmeasurable sorrow. And God has placed me in a unique position right now to understand "a mother's heart" on a level I have not before. I can minister. I can love. I can listen. I can understand a tiny bit more, but not fully. I can share coffee and tears when my turn at this is over, and someone else's is beginning. And of course, the reminder that "Life is short. Live it for the Lord." is obvious.
And so, the other puzzle piece? In my sadness this past week, the Lord brought to mind this: This is a new sacrifice I have not yet had to make. That's it. I guess I thought the sacrifices were over. Learning to live in a culture where you don't always know what's being said? Got that. Not being able to shop at Walmart and get the things you need easily? That's been over a long time. Missing football and Fall and Thanksgiving? Hard, but have been doing that awhile. Goodbyes at the airport, knowing you won't see them for a year? Still hard, but manageable. Saying goodbye to friends who leave here when I stay? Hmmm. That's still hard, but I'm working through it. But this? Not having each member of my family here with me? That's totally new. And it's hard. And it's ok to admit that. I do NOT want her here. I want her there. But it's hard for us to be here. And I guess after 20 years of serving overseas, I feel like it's ok for me to say that.
So I put those two things together: "It's separation from your baby, Sara. It's a new sacrifice you haven't yet had to offer." And putting some words to what is going on in my heart has helped me somewhat. I feel like the sun is starting to rise, ever so slightly. I feel better today than I did a week ago.
I told her I will take a text or a picture of her and what she's wearing 24 hours a day/7 days a week. She sent me these the first week. I had asked her as I boarded my flight in Houston, "What's one thing I can pray for you?" and she said, "Pray I don't die in this heat!" ha ha ha. She's been super happy for the cooler weather that has allowed her to wear her long sleeves. She's going to miss our cold weather.
And I sent her this picture of me missing her one morning as the sun rose. When I wake up, she's tucking into bed. When I finish teaching, she'll be waking up.
It's different. Big Ben took her spot at the table. The teen girls immediately snatched up the middle seat in the van. Last night Sweet Cheeks was snuggling Firstborn's "lamby" which Grandma bought for her at age 2, when it was bigger than her.
9 comments:
Sara, when I was reading this I felt every emotion. I remember. Even the overseas part because Kathleen spent one semester in France studying.
I prayed for God to help me with what I say to you. Mainly because I don't want to sound know-it-all or anything like that. I write this with the most tenderness I have. I wanted to tell you some of the things I experienced and what my mother told me. It may or may not mean anything to you but we are moms sharing, right?
My mother is the epitome of practical. God bless every bone in her body that she is that way. She said to me, "Melanie, you will get used to it!" At the time she said it, I felt like it was blasphemy. How dare she suggest I get used to not having one of my children!! But I have launched four and I can tell you, she was right. (Mothers usually are.) Now, I won't say how long it took me to get used to it, but somewhere along the way I did. See, my job was not finished. I had three others still at home. Though I felt my heart was ripping out, one day it occurred to me . . . . What have I lost? Exactly nothing. Just why was I grieving? Sara, ask yourself what have you lost by ME going to college? Exactly nothing. You haven't lost your daughter. You have gained a young woman. See, I saw a different side in the stories you told in this post. Those mothers lost their children never to see them again this side of Heaven. You have not lost ME. You have not lost anything. She is simply spending a few nights away from home. When I realized that about Kathleen. It helped me. I still missed her but I quit grieving over the past. That is exactly what we do. We look at old pictures, recall old memories and grieve that those days are not here. You know it is a principle in the Bible not to look back but to keep looking forward. That is all through the Bible. God has blessed your family! You have said it many times yourself. God has definitely blessed ME!! Stop looking back at what once was and look ahead at where she is heading. If you want to see her, all you have to do is hop a plane. Those two mothers you mentioned can do nothing to see their children. Kind of sobering, isn't it? I am sure they would trade places with you in a minute.
I know EXACTLY how you feel. But as I said, I have a mother who has always been wonderful at pointing out the practical side. I would just bet your mom would be the best person in the world for you to talk to.
The others leaving will be tear jerkers as well but it does not have to be agonizing grief if you put it in the proper perspective. When Karoline, my second one, left for college in Texas, I was the same way as I was with Kathleen but I started looking forward to her operas and the things she was in, thinking how I would prepare for her holiday homecoming, etc. I was living life and not looking backward. (I also begged God to bring her home as soon as He could - ha.)
Those are the things that helped me. And yes, my very wise mother was right. I did get used to our nest being a little emptier. Somewhere along the way that became natural too. So now, as much as Dave and I revel in them all being here at once, we also sigh and relax when the house is quiet. It is a great time of life.
Mel
Mel
Bless your heart. Thankful for your insight.
Praying.
Thank you for your thoughts on it! It is a process that I will have to work through, and yes, I do believe in faith that it will get easier. Even in the last week, I feel so much better. I met with a friend yesterday who walked through this just ahead of me. I think what we came to is this....when we came here, the kids were all little. At that point in their lives, we never thought about 14 years from now. We just felt called to come, so we came, but ....kids moving to live in another country, likely only able to visit us here in our home for a Christmas break, that was too far off to think about. But the reality is that after so many years living here, a totally new and unfactored sacrifice is at my doorstep. Living here is not easy. But I've learned to accept it. This has taken it to a new level. I am immensely proud of her. I wouldn't trade her or her decision to go there for anything in the world. But it also puts me in a position that I have never been in before. And really, it's permanent. She won't ever be coming back to this country to live except for a visit. (Perhaps God will call her here, but I don't want her coming here to boomerang b/c of us. I want her to go where God wants her.) So, these are the factors that I am working through. By God's grace, I will get there. Thank you for your encouragement!
I am sorry. I see I was out of place. My sacrifice is certainly not on the level of yours. In fact, I don't consider that I have sacrificed at all. God has been too good to me for me to look at it that way. Kathleen never came home to stay again once she left. Of course, it was not permanently to another country. Though I went two years at a time without seeing her. My youngest son was in the military for almost three years where I didn't see him, but again not a foreign country. His life was put at risk many times in dangerous rescue operations and terrorist related matters. He was seriously injured and is on disability while in service to his country, but again not a foreign country.
I guess I was referring to those heart strings of letting them go, them leaving home. It doesn't really matter where they go, they are no longer here, no longer mine as they once were. It was time for them to live their lives. I misunderstood the deep sacrifice you are making. I didn't realize what you were talking about. I am sorry.
Melanie Keffer
Sara, I really don't want us to misunderstand. Something else my wise mother told me was no one can judge another person's pain. That is true. I cannot judge yours and you cannot judge mine. Mine is not greater than yours nor is yours greater than mine. I was diagnosed with stage four metasized breast cancer so I went during those two years of not seeing Kathleen not knowing if I would ever seen her again. Same with my youngest son. You want to talk a trip. That is a trip. But even facing not knowing whether I will be here for the next get together with my kids, I still don't consider myself sacrificing. God has been way too good to me. For me to be alive today is a miracle. I will live as long as He wants me here.
I hate you think I don't understand because I feel like there are elements I do. Even if I don't, and I fully admit that is possible, I am sorry I said anything. Just trying to share from a mom's point of view.
MK
Mel, I absolutely believe you understand. In one way, when I am talking to people, I can see that a person does not understand because they perhaps do not have the level of closeness with their kids. But with you, I know you get that! I remember the year I had Kathleen and you were having your baby. I remember those deep family ties! Yes, you absolutely get it, and I hope my comment didn't lend itself to saying otherwise! I am just trying to process how I can walk through this in faith and in a way that honors God. So, being able to pinpoint why it's so hard is helping me get to that starting point at least. For me, a pinpoint is that I'm not just taking her to college, but I'm leaving her in another country. So, I guess that's why I specified that, but it had absolutely nothing to do with what you said. I love and welcome your advice, as you are one step ahead of me and you've done this in a way that pleases the Lord!!! I love you!
I love you too, Sara. I didn't even realize how much until I thought we were disagreeing here. I see that we are not really. Just talking from different points of view.
Oh, we will all make it, won't we? We surely will with His help!
I just hated to see your heart tearing out like it was/is. But that is something, as you said, you must walk through. How many sleepless nights I spent with my youngest away from home and his experiences. How many times I have gone to sleep deep in prayer for one of them. I know you relate to that. It was God's peace that brought me through. I felt like my guts were kicked in when Kathleen left for college. :) It is just now, looking back, that I see how right my mother was. It is all very natural for them to leave. Still doesn't make it easier. Ha. Speaking for myself, I wish I had more of my mother's practical nature.
God bless you and much sisterly love in C.,
Melanie K.
P.S. Thank you for your note.
MK
Hey, I meant to tell you (Since I've already talked you to death in this post - ha) that Kathleen and her littlest brother are 9.5 years apart. Every day of Matt's life while she was at home, Kathleen was his guardian, personal servant, etc. She cuddled with him like he was her teddy bear. She tied his shoes. My dad used to get on to her for not letting him tie his own shoe laces. Kathleen would get very indignant about being told she could not do something for her little brother. :)
She and Karoline actually spoiled both boys who are just a year apart in age. Matt was our POGO. Pray for one, get one free. :) Many times Kathleen ran to Matt's rescue as he got older. Many times. She literally drove a girl she didn't not know across country to remove the negative influence on her brother. Many times the girls kept things hid from mom. (Uh hum) In spite of all the things I didn't know, the boys have turned out to be wonderful C young men serving G we are very proud of.
Today you have two brothers who kiss the ground their sisters walk on. The boys are very quick to come to the girls' defense or step in to do hard tasks so the girls don't have to. They hold their sisters in the highest esteem. So much so, that it makes it very difficult for any girlfriend they have to live up to their sisters.
When you talk about B and ME, it reminds me of how Kathleen always was to Matt. I'll tell you something else, it was during Matt's hardest days while serving in the military that the love of his sisters and brother (who more than once flew from Dallas to New Jersey to visit him) brought him through.
I have had the opportunity to observe my kids as young adults, in different combinations meaning two or three together. I have to say it when all four of them are with each other that they are their strongest. They are a matched set. The four of them balance each other perfectly. People often notice that. I am so thankful for that. That was a desire of my heart from the first for them to take care of one another when David and I were no longer around. I don't know how it will be when they marry. I know the girls have prayed for years about God choosing not only their husbands but their sister-in-laws. They cannot imagine life without one another.
This old woman has a lot to be thankful for. I have also been praying for my relationship with my future son and daughter in-laws. Maybe God will let me see my grandchildren. I hope so!!
Love,
Melanie
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